Saying “No” to Neurodivergent Kids Less
“Don’t do that,” “Sit still,” “Stop,” “No,” and “That’s not how you do it.” By the middle of the day, many neurodivergent kids have heard all these things. Researchers estimate that by the time they are ten, kids with ADHD have heard negative messages 20,000 more times than their peers.¹ Constantly being corrected or told no can impact a child's self-esteem, confidence, creativity, and willingness to try new things.
Neurodivergent kids are told no more than their neurotypical peers for many reasons, but here are the four biggest ones:
Unique Thinking
Being neurodivergent means that your brain literally works differently. This often means that neurodivergent people find new or different ways of completing tasks or solving problems. Maybe they tried to do it how they were taught and found that it wasn’t working for their brain, so they found another way. The creativity and problem-solving required to do this are actually strengths of neurodivergent brains! However, people often jump in with “no” as soon as neurodivergent kids start to stray from the expected steps or process. This means that their ingenuity is frequently totally missed.
Impulsivity
Many neurodivergent people are more prone to impulsivity than neurotypical people. This can result in neurodivergent kids acting before they thoroughly think through something. Sometimes, these impulsive behaviors are dangerous and need immediate intervention. However, often, they are just surprising or outside of the expected behavior for the moment or setting and would be fine if we shifted our environment or expectations.
Restlessness
Some neurodivergent people regularly experience physical restlessness. This restlessness prompts them to move their body more than their peers. Since we live in a world designed for neurotypical brains, kids are often in spaces not designed for increased movement needs. This results in a tension between how much movement their bodies need and how much they can move.
Moving Thinkers
Many neurodivergent people fidget or stim while listening, thinking, and working. Some people take this movement as a sign that someone is not focused or worry that their movement will distract others. However, many neurodivergent people focus MORE when they are moving. Starting to fidget is often a sign that their brain is moving into a focused or thinking mode.
Constantly being told no or asked to do something another way has an impact on the creativity, self-esteem, and anxiety levels of neurodivergent kids. Instead of being able to listen to their bodies and focus on learning, exploring, and problem-solving, they are being taught to monitor themselves and second-guess every idea or impulse. This can lead to or increase masking because kids are being told in small ways over and over that the way they think and the needs their bodies have are problematic.
Of course, this does not mean that we never tell neurodivergent kids no. I’m not suggesting that. However, I am suggesting that we realize how easy it is for the no to be constant and deliberately try to eliminate or reframe the no whenever we can. While, of course, still using no when there is a potential for physical harm. By doing this, we can create space for neurodivergent kids to learn how to listen to their bodies and let their brains process the world in their unique neurodivergent way.
Here are five ways to say no less:
Let go of the Method
Neurodivergent people often accomplish tasks differently than neurotypical people because their brains work differently. Not only is this fine, it’s a strength of neurodivergent people that we should be nurturing!
Letting go of the method means keeping the goal but not worrying about how it is accomplished. Here are a few ways to start doing that:
Focus on the end goal. If it is being met, don’t worry about the process.
If it looks like something is being done “the wrong way,” wait and watch or ask, “What’s your plan?” before saying no. You might be surprised that they are working towards accomplishing the goal but are just approaching it another way.
Praise creative thinking, problem-solving, and determination even if they don’t “work” the first time.
Help kids learn from ideas that didn’t “work” by asking questions like, “What worked about this?” and “What would you do differently next time?”
Think twice about statements with the word “should.” The word should is often a sign that we are upholding a norm or method that may not be necessary. Before moving forward, ask yourself, “Do I really think this is necessary? Could I think about this in another way, or could we accomplish this another way?”
When working toward letting go with the method, it’s also okay to change your mind! Not long ago, I was reading with a kid, and he asked if he could read inside an empty cardboard box that happened to be sitting on the floor. Without thinking about it, I said, “No, we need to sit at the table.” As soon as I said it, I thought but why? I don’t actually care if he reads in a box. This is just my internalized idea that we “should” work at a table. So I stopped myself and said, “Actually, never mind. It would be fine for you to read in the box.” Modeling, thinking, reconsidering, and sometimes changing your mind is great for kids. It can reduce how often they hear no while helping them build their own capacity for reasoning and decision-making.
2. Incorporate Movement
When someone's movement needs are unmet, it is challenging for them to focus, and the likelihood of impulsive behaviors increases. We can set people with high-movement needs up for success by building movement into the day and providing outlets for movement needs in more confined spaces like classrooms.
This can look like:
Building movement breaks into the day
Never taking away movement time as a form of punishment
Provide wobble chairs, balance balls, standing desks, or leg bands to allow for movement while working.
Allow movement breaks and teach kids how to do them without distracting others. This might mean having a spinning chair, a space for jumping, a place to do wall pushes, or having short errands ready that allow kids to go for a walk or carry something heavy.
3. Provide Appropriate Fidgets
Having access to appropriate fridges AND being taught how to use them sets neurodivergent kids up for success and teaches them the lifelong skill of listening to their body and addressing their needs in a way that also works for those around them. This might look like providing a variety of fidgets and helping kids select the ones that work for them in different situations. For example, a clicking fidget might be great for the playground, in one's room, or for the walk to school. A silent silicone fidget, on the other hand, would be great to use during a test.
4. Give Choices
Giving choices is a great way to reduce how often you say no and eliminate many power struggles before they start. Instead of giving a command, think of how to reach the same goal while providing a choice. Instead of, “You need to brush your teeth,” you could say, “Do you want the mint or bubble gum toothpaste tonight?” The key here is only to offer acceptable choices or choices that accomplish the goal. If you ask, “Do you want to brush your teeth?” the answer will probably be no. So, unless that is an acceptable choice, we need to tweak the question. Instead, you could say, “Are you going to put on your pajamas or brush your teeth first?” Both of those choices move us toward the goal.
5. Change “No” to “Yes, and…”
When kids ask for something, we can try to say “yes, and … “ instead of “no.” For example, when you are halfway through making pizza and your kid says, “Can we have tacos?” it’s easy just to say, “No!” (and think, “Really?? Do you not see me making pizza??”). However, switching that no into, “Tacos would be great! Good idea. Can you add tortillas to the shopping list so we can make them Thursday?” or “Definitely, do you want to make them tomorrow or Saturday?” eliminates the no while helping your child build executive functioning skills.
This strategy can also help your child build their decision-making skills around moderation and self-control. For example, if your child says, “Can I have a candy?” instead of saying no, you could say, “Sure, and what longer fuel do you want to eat with that quick energy?”
These changes can feel like a lot if you’re not used to them. However, once you start trying them, many people will find they are similar to how we treat other adults. We wouldn’t bat an eye if an adult got up from a meeting to grab some water because they wanted to stretch their legs. And if a friend suggested a new activity, we probably wouldn’t just say no. We would propose a day to go or suggest a similar activity if the one they mentioned didn’t work for us.
By making these tweaks in how we react to and communicate with our neurodivergent kids, we can reduce how often they hear the word no or get the message that they are doing something the “wrong way.” This can reduce their anxiety and need to mask while increasing their confidence and self-esteem.
Resources
Listen to my podcast episode, What Does Not Trying to Fix Neurodivergent People Actually Look Like?
Listen to my podcast episode, What Does Neurodivergent-Affirming Mean & Why Does it Matter?
Read my blog, 5 ways to Support the Mental Health of Neurodivergent Kids & Teens
And, as always, if you are looking for support on a specific topic and can’t find it, let us know here. My team and I are always looking for more ways to support this community :)
Citations:
Frye, D. (2020, November 6). Children with ADHD avoid failure and punishment more than others, study says. ADDitude. https://www.additudemag.com/children-with-adhd-avoid-failure-punishment/